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 Jade Gillian

Age: 45

There does not seem much to add in here really I was used to writing huge gargantuan entries on my msn space which has not been updated since I came home. But I have just read the 1st entry in this diary, my god what a depression I was in, all down to a man. And OK, breaking etiquette there, but thinking back he acted like a man, who is selfish, self centred and he used me. He used to lift me up, and then I would not hear from him for days weeks. His wife was back home in the UK then, I well and truly felt like the little lady stashed away. I get the occasional email and sometimes heíd pop up on msn. Or send me a valentines card a week late. Last time he contacted me was about 3 weeks ago apparently off to see Dr Curtis, but what I cannot understand he has never suffered from dysphoria does not know what it means, just likes being a lady.
God at the moment I am having dysphoric thoughts about driving to work in the van I have been given short term. I feel it is more a mans vehicle and was asked today how long do I need it for. I would give it back tomorrow if I had the money to buy a car. I pass a little black Corsa up for sale everyday something like that would do me fine. Please God be nice, you have so far while I have been at home, help me sell my house make some nice soul like it and buy it.

Well apart from hating driving to work and back I feel so much happier now being home. I accompanied my son to the pictures last Friday, I can't say I took him, as he is bigger than me, so maybe he took me. He is the man of the house now. We went to see Ghostrider. Loved it and he did too. All my comic book heroes on the big screen. Spiderman 3 next and then the Fantastic 4, hope that one is better than the 1st one.

What else can I drivel on about? Went to work today in lip gloss for the 1st time and put on my favourite perfume, Dune by Dior. Must thank 'N" for that, bought it for my birthday last November. After that 1st entry he really let me down on my birthday weekend(promised me a weekend away from my dismal flat, we were to stay in a nice hotel in Amsterdam and he was going to spoil his little lady and then wine and dine me, he txt me on Friday calling it off I would have given him backstreet SRS that evening if he was there). That really did hurt badly so think it was guilt as it was the biggest bottle I had seen. . Ooops LOL the bitch came out there. But seriously I now wish her the best honest gosh I am in a silly mood but very happy with my lot at the moment.

Forgot to add why I named this diary "It's all in the mind" That is what my Dad said to me when I disclosed to him, well after my brother disclosed to him in everything but actually saying it.

Why do I have to be transsexual? What did I do to deserve this curse? That is how I see it a Curse knowing I am one gender but outwardly seen as another. So well hidden, it was so tightly bound within my soul, it made my life a misery never happy always failing in relationships, even the one big true love in my life. I never truly satisfied her, oh we had companionship, but even she knew I was distant in a place where no one could see me, not the true me. The outward shell was plainly visible. The poor soul who blindly forged on trying to be a role model. Trying to be a son a brother a husband and a father.

Trying to constantly please a father whom I loved but disappointed so many times as a child. That is when I learned to hide in childhood. I did not like being called a sissy, a big girls blouse, a poof, it made me cry.

So out came the hardened exterior, the cell inside trapping me so no one could see. No one could see not even me. Then the pains of puberty watching my body develop with muscle and hair, god hair everywhere. On my face, chest, legs everywhere.
OK, so there you are, go on make a man of yourself. Fit in, walk the road you have been conditioned for. Go and find love, reproduce become a breadwinner. I become a failure in every relationship. But clung on, stuck it out while everyone left walked out or departed. This is being normal? Everyone goes through this the honeymoon period, but it always wanes after a while, so I am told.

I am a father, I have a son, I wanted a daughter but I have a son. I love him. I promise I will never let him down I will never treat him like my father treated me.
Friday, when I see him for the 1st time, He is in the incubator weighing a mere 3lb 10oz. Struggling to take a hold on life, grab it and keep it after being born a month early. A whole weekend of worry and pride and so much love in my heart. Tuesday your home. Sorry son but you will struggle as you grow, you will lose your Mum and have to cope with that when 5. You will watch your Father as he melts down and explodes inwardly, and finally gives in to this inner pain burning inside, a pain that wonít go away.

I end up in a special hospital but I wonít tell them anything, God gave you this curse and only God can take it away. No reason to keep me, post traumatic stress and grief. OK, yes part of it, but not all of it, but you donít need to know. My cage is still strong? only it is not, I only pretend that it is, but really it is falling apart and unravelling. So how do I cope? I donít, I try and find a solution, and what is this solution? It is called fight or flight! I fought all my life so I will try flight, only it is not really flight it is called suicide.

I wake up and see your face as the paramedics take me away. I'm so sorry son I let you down please forgive me! Please donít look at me like that, the sorrow in your eyes pierces my heart. As it reminds me of your mum when she was dying from the heart attack I looked into her eyes and saw her pain, saw how frightened she was as she knew she was dying. So there, another memory etched within my mind, making 3 that I will never forget, that belongs in the compartment next to the face you pulled when I told you she had died and gone to heaven.

Then I am gone, blacked out. I awake the next day throat burning raw, sore I donít remember why or where I am at first, or how long I have been here. A psychiatrist comes to see me. The trigger that was primed for so many years is released, BANG it all comes out flooding out, Now what? Nothing, back to reality, normal family life. Pretending again, back to a relationship that was breaking apart and was also part of the flight syndrome. Why I did not want to carry on. I lost your mother, now I was losing your stepmother, why? This curse it gnaws at you everyday.

A reprieve, a chance to save this relationship and a chance to breathe, Holland. So this time it is called flight. My road to freedom, the start of my life, the truth surfaces, it has started to unfold. My cell is no more, I am released. My marriage lasts for oh 2 months, whilst I am weaning myself off the anti-depressants that have dulled me for the past 4 years. But there is no stress now, I am honest with myself too. Losing your step Mum caused some pain, but more gain.

I am home with you and learning a new life, catching up on lost time cramming my puberty into what looks like a 2-year period.
Son I wonít let you down again I promise, I love you so very much. But I am now here for you in a way I have never been before, I am free. I will be me and in the near future my gender will be one and matched. Amen.

 Natalie I don't know where that came from, all I can think of, I was sorting out my mail box and then started reading some of the mail written, when I finally disclosed the fact that I am transitioning.

There were some really lovely letters of support from my old colleagues who I am now back with. There were some from my ex-wife, as our marraige spiralled into oblivion, some were very callous and some were her trying to justify why she was leaving me, and who could blame her I don't it was what I needed, the push.

On reflection it made me think what have I done with my life as I feel it is half over and it only just begining. So I think that was a final purging, ridding myself of angst. Cleansing the soul. God I waffle at times but yes, am airing my dirty washing. Whatever! .

I know where it all came from.  I was in the bath thinking where had all that writing come from and realised it was directed at 2 people, my Son which is obvious, and my Dad. I wrote him a letter and printed off some support for parent notes and knew they arrived yesterday. I have not seen him since last September and he never phones. I always phoned from Holland, but I have been home since Christmas and still it is me who phones, and we never talk about what is happening at all, just a brief chat, mostly about Everton and Mum who has Alzheimerís. And then there is a brief chat with Mum, bless her, but it is hard making conversation with Mum nowadays. My Sister and Brother are helping Dad have a break from Mum, something that I started off before I went to Holland. But now I am excluded.

I was desperately hoping for a response last night, some recognition that I was trying to help them come to terms with me. But silence, as deep down I knew it would be. Hence a wine glass too much.

I love my Dad I wanted to be Daddieís girl but my Sister was his little princess, not that I was jealous of my Sister I loved her. We were very close when we were young, there is only 21 months between us. We even shared the same friends all female, I never really played with the boy's in our street till I was a lot older and was forced to. My brother was his Son always hurting himself by being, well doing what boys do all rough and tumble. I love my Brother too although there are 9 years between us.

I find it so ironic now that all the years I tried to gain Dads approval and prove I was not a girl, I am now seeking his approval for being a girl. He was right all along and now hates it. And why do I have this need to want Dad to see me in the same light as my Brother and Sister?

Well I will wait and wait until maybe one day.....................
Well if it seems to be real, it's illusion
For every moment of truth, there's confusion in life
Love can be seen as the answer (Black Sabbath Heaven & Hell)
"Gotta burn all your bridges behind you, they'll keep dragging
You down if you stay...
And I know I ain't wrong cause I'm free and I'm on my way" (Rainbow Bring on the night)

Jade xxx

Last edited by jadegillian on Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:31 am.

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