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You just don't wake one morning and decide, I am going to become a crossdresser or a transsexual. It doesn't happen like that, it gradually creeps into your mind that there is something different about how you look and how you feel, the 2 don't gel. You struggle with these feelings and when I grew up there was very little known or talked about, to do with "this feeling". Eventually in the 1950s, things began to happen with Christine Jorgensen and Roberta Cowell, and I began to realise that that was what I wanted, but didn't have the guts to do any thing about it. What did I do? I retreated into the safe Male world of sport, marriage, kids and a mortgage. However on the death of my son at age 1, it was enough to jolt me into crossdressing whenever possible, why? I don't know, and no one has come up with an answer, other than stress. I continued to cross dress as often as possible, and repress the urge to become Female, as hard as I could. This happened for over 20 years, but on my divorce, which I blamed myself for, as I was not really interested in the sexual side of marriage, as I felt like a woman making love to a woman, and I am not lesbian, but heterosexual. I took advice and went into counselling for 10 days, grew a beard and came to terms with being single. This was late 1978. In 1979 I flew to Australia to stay with family and things developed in a most unusual way. I brought my 2nd wife to be and 2 of her kids back to UK, for them to go to her parents. However we got together and she divorced, we married and I threw out all of my Female gear at last. I was truly in love, and saw this as the end to being CD or Female. We returned to Australia, where I threw myself into building my business, with her help. I had a beard, hard work, mortgage, kids and no time to think CD. In 1988 I had a heart attack which caused all sorts of problems, as my love life was suffering before, now it was non existent, as I could not get or hold an erection.

Things went along OK however and we enjoyed a good standard of living and great holidays. Things started to go wrong in 1998, as I felt urges I had repressed for so long, also I was feeling more Feminine and my mental make up seemed to change. In 1999 we discovered my Pituitary gland had malfunctioned, and I was making Prolactin at enormous rates, but very little Testosterone. Male HRT was tried and failed, due to the yo yo effect. So I decided to stop HRT and "ride with the hormones" as my GP put it. In July 99 off came the beard, out to buy a new wardrobe and start crossdressing again. My wife did not know until early 2000, when I introduced her to Kathy. She told me the makeup was too much, and understatement was the way to go. She helped me chose clothes, makeup and shoes, but never really came to terms with it 100%. In October 2000 she was killed, when her car hit a power pole. She knew how much I wanted to become Female by now, and after her death I gave into the very strong urges that now were allowed to develop. I have no regrets other than I did not tell the two women in my life about the other me for fear of losing them. As strange as it may seem, I loved both of them deeply, in my strange way. Now, I hope to transition, as I wish to spend the last years as Kathy 100%. Unfortunately it is out of my control, and in the hands of my Psychiatrist to decide my future. So far as I am concerned this is the only time that my right to decide and sanction an operation, other than if I was unable to give consent in a life threatening situation, is taken away from me. I am totally reliant on the word of some one else, my psychiatrist.I know these are the rules, but it is my life, my body and my mind. My surgeon has already indicated his willingness to grant me my lifes wish, so I just have to wait a little longer in the hope it will finally come true.

For anyone other than CDs - Transsexuals - F2M and M2F to be able to understand the intensity and depth of feelings involved, is impossible if you are not and never have experienced them. I feel both sad and glad for you. Sad that you have never experienced your other self and the joy and release it can bring. Glad, that you have not, as it is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

To me, it means I am 3 years into a totally new life, one I now realise I have always wanted. Late it's true, but never the less, what I want for the last years. The peace, serenity and feeling of completeness that is now mine, plus the great changes emotionally are something to come to terms with. I no longer bottle up my feelings, but laugh and weep openly at occurrences that affect me in some way. I love meeting people and explaining what is happening to me in such a way that they understand. I use photos to introduce Kathy to them, and if they wish to go on, then we do. If not, that is there choice which I respect. So far I have been extremely lucky, meeting only with understanding, or the need for more information. To do this takes a lot of guts, which I did not have in my twenties and thirties, now I have, I hope I can use it to the advantage of our community, so that we may educate people outside of our dual worlds, hopefully to come to some understanding. I have many friends in my world, and also a lot of friends outside of that, who are willing to ask questions in order to learn more about us, that we are not sick, and it is not catching. I welcome questions, as it means that barriers are being broken down, through coming to understand us. I love PEOPLE, I don't care what they are, they are all PEOPLE, and as such deserve respect, no matter what or where they are coming from.

Changeling AspectsIn affiliation with Agender-(Aust) & Transbridge-(Townsville)

We are based in South East Qld, in Australia About Us  ... Contact Us    ( Most Art above are extracts from the Art of Maxfield Parrish )

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