All of my memories, learning and conditioning are male. If I wish to call up any of these it is still the Male ones that surface, as I have not been Female very long there are fewer of these. There is no erase or amend button to push. If there was you would be back to the level of 1 or 2 year old, which is impossible as far as we know. If you could learn new ways, have new memories to suit your situation, who would teach them?
I have been told that we cannot live in the past or the future.
Let me run this past you. In the present to make decisions we sometimes call on memories from the past. In doing this maybe it is something that we are aiming to do in the future. Under this circumstance, we are drawing/living in the past, via memories that help us in the present to make plans for our future aims. I therefore submit that at this time we are living at all three planes at the same time. Hopefully what we learnt in the past has become useful in the future. So I look on this as being able to live in all three areas, and sometimes all at the same time
Unfortunately for us, we are drawing on Male memories, as we have not learnt any Female ones of any consequence. This will take time and hopefully we will eventually arrive at the point in time when we can recall memories that are purely female. This is going to be another learning curve.
We change from Male to Female with no thought to what the consequences maybe, as we are driven by the inner workings of the brain.
In appearance I am no more female now than I was before my journey. I am deficient in many basic skills that appear to be inherent in Genetic Females. I will never acquire them, as I have left the change too late. I have missed the formative years of learning, trialing and finding the Woman I should be. This is learnt by the Females from their Mothers and Female relatives. The learning about hair care, clothes, make-up, the Female cycle, it is all "Secret Women’s Business" for want of a better term! Simple things to them, such as braiding hair, putting in earrings, how to sit, stand and hold oneself are inherent and increased by learning.
They are hard to duplicate when one has been reared and conditioned as a Male! Even though your brain may tell you other wise.
I have been asked by several people "Why did you wait so long?" and do you "Have any regrets"
Why did I wait so long----Because when I found out in 1952 what was troubling me, it was the first time I had a name for my condition? Cost was another big factor, as was the extreme homophobia, add to that what sounded like a lot of pain and anguish after the operation as it was in its infancy. In any case I thought like a lot of us that becoming real "Macho" would drive away the demons in my mind. Of course over the next 50 years they were always there in one form or another. This pain and anguish is different, as drugs, hormones and finally the operation can now address it. When I was 66 my life had altered drastically because of the loss of my Partner, pumping out large amounts of prolactin which was feminising me. So 2001 saw my turn to change. I agree very late, but better late than never.
Do I have regrets? Yes! The very fact of waiting so long because of my inability to be able to come to terms with my inner self, but more so the fact that my love for those dearest to me stopped me from the hurt that I knew it would cause. But the hurt was really mine, as I was slowly destroying myself because of denying what I should do. Also if I had been able to become Kathy in 1952, there would have been a lot less Male memories to cope with. If everything had gone well then, I would have now spent 51 years as a female. I think this would have made all the difference to my memories, as there were really too few male formative years to have to contend with.
To say that our mind dictates what we should be, which Gender we really are maybe is correct. What is not known is the damage and self doubt caused by suddenly changing from MtF so late in life. Perhaps studies will be done, as I see a great need for this to be addressed as part of the
"Standard of Care Preparation" No one talks about the possible drawbacks.
To live in "Role" always affords the opportunity to go back. The hurt of still knowing what you should be, will still be there, but I am beginning to believe it to be less than the great leap we take from MtF, and the different pain and anguish that this causes.
Could this in some way be a contributing factor in our suicide levels? Such a huge change is only recognised by the individual who is affected. Help most certainly at some stage will be a very high priority, if any can be found! We have changed our body to come into line with our feelings, but you are really at risk to self doubt and it only takes a few "Knock Backs" to undermine the confidence you have built. The worries now start about what you have done and whether it was the right "Call"
However, it is too late now, as you have had the operation, there is no known way back. These niggling little doubts, unless allayed become bigger and if not quashed will lead to a whole lot of self-doubt, and if you are not careful, your destruction in one way or another. I am not just talking suicide; there are mental problems to overcome through adjustment. The possibility of health problems due to our regime of drugs and hormones. Put this all together and it can be the greatest cause of unhappiness you will ever encounter.
Yes, I have self-doubts, recriminations and the thought that I have made a wrong "Call" I am trying to lose my demons, but it is increasingly hard. My psychiatrist told me that I was very well adjusted. I am beginning to question that statement.
Only the future will tell if I am adjusted well enough to last out my final years with enjoyment or heartache. Perhaps in some way this is punishment for daring to cross the line.
In the final analysis, I now realise that I left it too long and too late. As I said earlier, we all have to make the "Call" at some stage, and perhaps mine was wrong! Only time will tell.
Kathy Anne Noble. 23/07/03
ALL "WebSites &/or Links" contain additional Links to further "WebSites". It is important to learn everything you can! But, Not all information is useful or validated, so use your own judgement.
Websites around the world are changing every day, so please let us know if there are any broken 'links' on our site.
This Website Created ...... Saturday, 20. May 2006
Last Updated: Tuesday, 22. January 2008
Visitors since... Saturday, 20. May 2006