Today is the day you have prayed for all of your life. It is tinged with Awe, Wonder and Fear. It is the day for your SRS!
You hope all goes well and the fears are allayed and you will come through, as the woman you have always felt you should be. Will there be complications, will it be 100% successful, will it be aesthetically pleasing, will it make you feel complete?
You go onto the operating table with the femininity you have acquired whilst living in "Role" Neither during nor after the operation is there an influx of femininity, what you take in, is what you fetch out. You have more learning after the operation, and an on going crash course in acquiring the merest traces of femininity. Femininity comes from within, and the learning from your Mother, Sisters and other Women around you. This starts with a Girl Child from day one. To me, female is about the sex of the species, femininity is about inner acquired feelings---Womanlyness!
Your mind tells you that you are in the wrong body, so you have the operation to correct your dysphoria, but this makes few of us feminine. We have had to work extremely hard to acquire the meagre skills of womanhood/femininity that we do have. Until these feelings are honed to perfection, we are open to doubt and being picked. Remember that most of us are XY---100% Male, and this does not change. You are now an ersatz woman! For want of a better term. Sure, you now have female genitalia, but no reproductive organs. You have been Castrated, you are a Eunuch or a Castrato! In fact you could say that you are in the same situation as a XX Female, who has undergone a form of Castration---Hysterectomy and removal of the Ovaries. What is even more thought provoking is that both of us are on HRT for life! We are equivalent to Post Menopause or Post Hysterectomy Woman from day one .
At least the genetic female has had the years associated with growing from Girlhood to Womanhood. We will never know the dubious pleasures of PMT, Cramps, Red Days, Pregnancy, Morning Sickness, Birth and Breast Feeding. We have none of these female memories, ours when transitioning are either long or short term male memories, and certainly do not include any of the above.
The discussions with regard to Youngsters of 15, 16, 17 or 18 having SRS and the effective outcome will only get more intense and prevalent. I am of two minds, as I believe the sooner the better in many respects, but just hope they are made aware of all the consequences that ensue and are able to accept possible problems in the future. Are they prepared to accept the responsibilities of their actions, if later they feel they have done wrong by having SRS? Are they happy to accept that they can have intercourse, but will never experience the rest that a genetic female does. The unfortunate truth is, that there are examples of this happening today! As I said before, there is no reproductive system, so there can at present be no question of ever being fully Female in all the meanings of the word!
I am only too well aware that there are those of you out there who think this is unadulterated rubbish, but only because you are not willing to look into your inner self, in case they find these questions and more hiding there! We all have to confront our Devils in our own ways, both before and after what some consider the Panacea for all our ills. If we are honest with ourselves, we will answer in a different way to what we have done in the past. SRS, is the beginning of a very long road that for some is the right answer, with a happy outcome. For many it could be disastrous and the start of a very unhappy life. I for one am leaving the door open, and may never have a complete answer before I die! I now believe that one has to continually review one's situation, as this is what we as humans do about many events in our lifetime. There is no White or Black without Gray areas as well that we have to come to terms with and understand as best we can. What we have achieved before, during and after SRS is incredible enough, and takes some people a lifetime to get their heads around. Others, well they never arrive, and that is true of our community as well as the ordinary every day person in the street.
Kathy Anne Noble 24/01/2004
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